DEAR MISS MANNERS: Over the last decade, my friend and I have relished our lunches together. I would meet her near her work after I retired, and when she retired, we met every couple of months at a favorite nearby restaurant (walking distance from her home).
She moved out of state a year ago, returning for doctor's appointments and for our lunches, which have expanded to a few hours over the years. She is always dropped off by her husband. My husband and I would love to meet both of them for lunch, but she says she wants me to herself.
The last time we met for lunch, she was late and texted me about traffic holdups, etc., eventually arriving about 20 minutes after our reservation time. As usual, we were ecstatic to see each other. I had water, bread and menus all ready for us. When the waiter approached to take our orders, she announced that she'd already eaten.
My jaw dropped and I repeated what she just said as an astonished question. She told the waiter she'd like the dessert menu. I felt like I'd just been slapped.
The fallout is that I am having a hard time getting over her lack of consideration and that she doesn't think she did anything wrong. To her, she just had a dessert instead of a sandwich, but I think it was super rude to have had lunch with her husband when our lunch had been scheduled months prior.
GENTLE READER: But that was your old pal. Miss Manners cannot imagine why the following dialogue did not take place.
You: What? You've already had lunch? We had a lunch date!
She: I know, and this is embarrassing. But Orville was hungry, and I was just going to keep him company for a few minutes while he ate, but then it looked so good that I broke down and ordered the same thing.
You: So you're just going to sit here while I eat?
She: Sure; you go ahead. The point is not the food, but spending time with you. Anyway, I'll have my dessert while you eat your sandwich.
You: But suppose then I want dessert?
She: You mean, will I then have to order a sandwich? But enough about the food. Tell me what you've been doing and how the family is.
DEAR MISS MANNERS: I invited a neighbor to dinner recently. She stated that she had a busy evening already, but would stop by and pick up the dinner I offered.
I packed up dinner in a takeout container and handed it off. But I wondered: Since when does a dinner invitation mean a takeout opportunity?
GENTLE READER: Since never, and Miss Manners is astonished that you accepted not only the request but the insult. Your neighbor has made it clear that while she likes your food, she has no interest in your company.
DEAR MISS MANNERS: Do you find it in poor taste to keep reading materials in bathrooms that guests use?
GENTLE READER: Why is Miss Manners certain that you are not asking about leaving a copy of The Economist in there, but perhaps something relating to the function of the room?
If the reading material itself is in poor taste, then so is leaving it there.
(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)
DEAR MISS MANNERS: I had a friend and her boyfriend visit for a few days. It was very strange.
I thought they were coming to visit my husband and me, so we cleared our schedules and planned activities for each of the five days. But when they arrived, they spent most of their time in the guest room with the door closed, watching TV. They continually woke up too late for most of the activities we planned.
I reframed the invitations as suggestions of things to do, and would get a wishy-washy answer. I confronted my friend and said that I had thought we would spend some time together, and that I was little upset my time wasn't being respected when she would agree to plans and then bail.
Nothing changed, even after this direct conversation. It was an extremely uncomfortable feeling, not interacting with people staying in my home.
How are you supposed to handle a guest that sequesters themselves like this?
GENTLE READER: Smoke them out?
No, Miss Manners would not consider that hospitable, and besides, it would subject you to a lot of unpleasant secondhand smoke.
The technical term for your guests is "freeloaders." Your next -- and last -- offer, if they are still in your guest room, should be to help with their transportation home.
DEAR MISS MANNERS: Maybe you can help me. My niece got married in 2018 and decided not to tell anyone. (When the couple was around family, they would leave their wedding rings in the car.) They finally came clean in 2021.
Just now, we got an invitation to her "wedding," which is happening this summer. It's a destination wedding, where everyone invited will have to spend the weekend at a hotel about 300 miles away. And it's a holiday weekend, to boot!
My wife thinks that it's a must for us to be there, but I disagree. I don't believe that after being lied to for three years, I have to go to a party to celebrate that fact. It's basically a $1,000 weekend to celebrate someone's four-year anniversary. And they lied to us!
Is it no longer that we live with the decisions we make? They chose to get married and keep that information to themselves; don't expect me to celebrate that fact four years later. What's your thought?
GENTLE READER: That the definition of a wedding seems generally to have become disconnected from the act of getting married, even aside from its disconnection to setting up a household and having children. Now the term is used merely for a couple's self-centered fundraising extravaganza.
Miss Manners is as exasperated by this as you. If you cannot persuade your wife, she won't be able to, either -- but at least you could save $500 if your wife attends without you.
(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)
DEAR MISS MANNERS: I went to the drugstore to pick up my prescriptions. There were five people in line at the pharmacy. When I finally got to the counter, a young woman came up behind me and announced to the clerk that she was there for her vaccination and asked where she should go.
The clerk stopped waiting on me and turned to the pharmacist to let him know she had arrived. I turned to her and said, "You know, he was waiting on me." The young woman proceeded to become belligerent and cussed at me, calling me names. Should I have handled this differently?
GENTLE READER: Clearly, your reprimand did not warrant being cussed out and name-called. Lines are there for a reason, and there is usually nothing wrong with politely informing those who stray.
Buuuut it sounds like the young woman broke in because she had a prearranged appointment and did not want to wait in the wrong line. Presumably, the clerk only took a moment to redirect her to the pharmacist before returning his attention to you.
This, Miss Manners thinks, warrants some patience on your part. But she will advise future line interlopers to show some awareness: by hovering apologetically as they ask about the correct line, before aggressively cutting it.
DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have two very good friends as houseguests a few times a year. They are both quite overweight.
The last time they stayed with me, they slept in our guest room, which has a pull-out sofa. After they left, I noticed that they had bent the bed frame so badly that it couldn't be bent back into place.
Of course, I did not say anything about it to them, but I have since purchased a new pull-out sofa. They are planning to visit soon, and I don't know what to do about the sleeping arrangements. My husband thinks it's very strange to offer them our bed, and I think they would find it strange as well. Do I have any other options?
GENTLE READER: Not really. No doubt, your guests will be keenly aware of why there is a new sofa bed -- and fearful of breaking the new one if it is offered. (A note to sofa bed manufacturers: Please make your products more sturdy.) Any awkwardness in suggesting the bed will likely pale in comparison to the prospect of the alternative -- or the relief in not having to discuss it. Miss Manners suggests something as simple as, "We're moving things around a bit. Why don't you take our room?"
DEAR MISS MANNERS: Do you bring a girlfriend of only three months to a wedding?
GENTLE READER: Only if she made an indelible impression on the hosts and was invited. Or if the invitation reads "plus one," in which case Miss Manners is afraid those hosts get what they deserve.
DEAR MISS MANNERS: Is it still considered gauche to wear diamonds, even stud earrings, before evening?
GENTLE READER: Yes, but you and Miss Manners are the only ones who seem to know it. She therefore would appreciate it if you did not succumb to peer pressure, leaving her alone.
(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)